President MORON

GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE, PRESIDENT MORON!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009, 12:00 AM - Jay O-Three

Go Away!

WARSHINGTON - Finally! No more lying, cheating, stealing, torturing or killing! Adios, Oedipus (that's just Motherfucker in the original Greek)! You will not be missed.

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OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

Tuesday, November 4, 2008, 08:56 PM - Jay O-Three

Woo Hoo!

CHICAGO - No one has looked forward to this day more than we have. We can FINALLY move on from the nightmare that is The MORONARCHY. It will be nice to have a President who can construct coherent sentences, let alone have someone who can lead this nation out of the ditch into which President MORON has led us. So, go to High Function to see what Jay O'Three, HSRE Brain and others are up to!
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GREED STAMPEDE

Wednesday, September 24, 2008, 06:42 PM - Jay O-Three

Once again, my failure can only be fixed by handing your money over to the deserving rich

WARSHINGTON - President MORON has just tried to convince Americans that Wall Street Investment Bankers need a Seven Hundred Billion Dollar bail out. YAWN MCLAME has suspended his campaign and is rushing back to WARSHINGTON because somehow, after missing two hundred and fifty floor votes in a row in the Senate, he has become convinced that the input of an ancient invertebrate will be necessary to engineer this heist of public funds. The same Banana Republicans -- who describe universal healthcare as socialism -- are suddenly lining up at the trough for some socialized capitalism because your health doesn't matter, but their bank accounts do. This hands-on-MBA-President MORON who failed to protect us from known terrorists, who failed to find any Weapons of Mass Deception, who is losing two wars at once (one of them to a dead guy), who fails again and again to help the victims of natural disasters, who has failed to create a single job in eight years, who has steered the strongest economy in the world into a ditch, and, who has never once put the needs of the country ahead of the greed of his cronies, is trying to stampede Congress into another panic-based boondoggle. While Investment Bankers are stealing your home through forclosure, they are demanding that you bail them out of their self-inflicted meltdown with your tax dollars. That's right, not one dime for homeowners, hundreds of billions of dollars for greedy bankers.

At the same time, the turmoil caused by this fictitious crisis has exposed once and for all the truth that it is speculators that ran up the price of oil. After oil declined in price every day during four successive hurricanes (which had falsely been blamed for the high oil prices along with increased demand in Asia), on the day Hank Paulson started saying the sky was falling, the price of oil shot up by the largest amount ever in a single day. Naked greed knows no shame.

But, now, the wealthy are hurting. Their golden parachutes are becoming tattered. They can't unload their foreclosed properties fast enough. And only draining the treasury of The United States will satisfy their avarice. So buck up, shut up and put up for the greedy. President MORON has failed us yet again, and as always, the only solution is to pay, pay, pay!

So c'mon Congress, Yee haw! Let's move 'em out!

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THE PLATFORM

Thursday, September 18, 2008, 02:00 PM - Jay O-Three

Keep hating, keep fearing, keep denying, and we will surely prevail!

GRAND RAPIDS, MI - Lost in a fog of self contradiction and misstatements, YAWN MCLAME and Caribou Barbie stumbled through a laughable appearance here yesterday. Caribou Barbie put down one of the snakes she was handling and asserted that she is qualified because she is qualified to be qualified (this sort of indisputable logic is what is going to catapult this team to the White House). But, YAWN MCLAME has even better chops! He has contradicted himself on economic issues repeatedly this week. He said the fundamentals of the economy are strong, and then had to explain that the word "fundamentals" means workers! He said the bailout of AIG was wrong, then had to explain that the word "wrong" means right. Next, he said that he would fire one of his closest cronies, Christopher Cox, as Chairman of the SEC. Sadly, none of his minders had the heart to tell the senile jellyfish that the President does not have the authority to fire the Chairman of the SEC.

But finally, when the comic relief ended and he was pressed on his platform, we experienced "Straight Talk" at its finest:

Senator MCLAME, what is your plan to revitalize the economy? "I am not a black man."
Senator MCLAME, how will you address the growing mortgage crisis? "I nominated a woman."
Senator MCLAME, what will you do for the forty-seven million Americans without health insurance? "I am not a Muslim."

So it's as simple as that: America needs a non-black, woman-nominating, non-Muslim. A platform this finely crafted is bound to succeed. We are just fortunate to live at a time when the bigoted befuddled rantings of a super-annuated invertebrate are all we need to get by. Our future is assured.

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GREAT GIG IN THE SKY

Tuesday, September 16, 2008, 12:11 AM - Jay O-Three

And I am not frightened of dying

LONDON - Rick Wright joins Syd.

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YAWN FEST

Monday, September 8, 2008, 06:19 PM - Jay O-Three

YAWN MCLAME and Caribou Barbie: making history!

WARSHINGTON - Last week, in Saint Paul, The Banana Republicans, after treating us to an entire week of The Wasilla Hillbillies, actually did make history. Yes, for their presidential candidate, not only did they cross race and gender lines, but Species, Genus, Family, Order, Class and even Phylum lines! They actually nominated the first invertebrate (non-chordate) in history when they selected a jellyfish (cnidarian), YAWN MCLAME. After she spoke in tongues, handled a few snakes, and explained that the Iraq war was part of god's plan (sorry, you 4,000 dead soldiers, you were all just god's pawns), he got up and promised to try to start to maybe think about standing up to some unnamed lobbyist in WARSHINGTON. It was a very strong effort because the simple act of standing up must be difficult when the people you profess to oppose are actually running your campaign.

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PALE-IN-COMPARISON

Monday, September 1, 2008, 11:13 AM - Jay O-Three

The Banana Republican Undercard: One Under Investigation, One Convicted of Driving Under the Influence, and One Under-Age and Pregnant

SAINT PAUL - Thanks to Hurricane Gustav, Banana Republicans have dodged a bullet. They don't have to trot out President MORON and The DICK for the usual hate and lie sessions. And, YAWN MCLAME will not have to try and lay off the meds long enough to make a televised speech. But, some things simply can not be overlooked. While Sarah PALE-IN-COMPARISON is out thumping her bible, screaming about her christian beliefs, and crowing about how abstinence only sex education is so effective; her own unmarried seventeen year old daughter, Bristol, is five months pregnant.

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EMPTY SUIT MAKES EMPTY CHOICE

Saturday, August 30, 2008, 04:19 PM - Jay O-Three

Cynicism or dementia?

WASHINGTON, PA (That's Right, Pennsylvania, not DC) - The clearly intoxicated Empty Suit, YAWN MCLAME, appeared at a rally here today to introduce his running mate, Governor of Alaska for a whole eighteen months, Sara PLAIN. PLAIN, 1984 runner-up to Miss Alaska, wants creationism taught in schools. She wants to take away a woman's right to choose. She is married to someone who will actually be drilling in the ANWR. She loves war. She loves corporations. She hates middle-class Americans. She is personally under investigation by the Alaskan State Legislature for firing someone who would not punish the ex-husband of her sister (yes, even with all those Banana Republicans out there, they couldn't find one who was not under investigation).

YAWN MCLAME (far from the original Maverick, and actually just a very very old gelding) pulled the stunt of selecting "A Woman" for his running mate solely for political reasons. Any woman who is not insulted by this move is simply not paying attention. There is no evidence that this self described hockey-mom has any business working in WARSHINGTON. And yet, they are neck and neck in the polls. It is sad to think that Americans are again going to fall for another empty suit whose only distinction is that he is not the black guy.

If the fix were not already in, and the outcome of this election were not already known, this would seem like a joke in very bad taste.

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SHIT PISS FUCK CUNT COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER TITS

Monday, June 23, 2008, 11:44 PM - Jay O-Three