FAREWELL, FALWELL, STRAIGHT TO HELL!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007, 01:09 PM - Jay O-Three
Division and disharmony, the true measure of any man of the cloth
LYNCHBURG, VA - A self-serving war-loving women-hating homophobic money-grubbing fear-mongering christianity-perverting bible-thumping bigot has breathed his last here today. Beginning in 1979 with the political movement he founded, the Moral Majority (which was neither), he spread his doctrine of sanctimonious intolerance to the masses of credulous Banana Republicans for decades. Purporting to have read the bible -- though obviously skipping the parts about not killing, and not judging others -- he asserted that the god portrayed in there was not one of generosity and forgiveness, but rather one of infinite anger and vengeful retribution. Inasmuch as he despised Muslims, and stated that he would like to, "blow them all away in the name of the lord," he rejoiced in President MORON's decision to start an illegal, immoral religious war against innocent people whose only sin was living in a petroleum rich region (how dare they!). After asserting that the hijackers of nine-one-one were backed by the ACLU and sent to punish gays and lesbians in New York; and that Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans because of the women's health clinics there; the hulking hypocrite has finally received a just punishment for the life he himself led. He was found face down, unconscious and unresponsive in a puddle of his own sick. Apparently, that god of his must have become pretty fed up because verily, he did smite him but good!
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Saturday, May 5, 2007, 01:10 PM - Jay O-Three
I claim Fifth Amendment protection against enacting a hate crime law I myself intend to violate
WARSHINGTON, DC - President MORON, fresh from vetoing funding for his "beloved" troops serving in the illegal immoral occupation of the foreign sovereign nation of Iraq, has threatened to veto what would only be the third bill druing his entire MORONARCHY. This one has to do with extending Federal Hate-Crime protection to people based on their sexual orientation or gender. So, while President MORON can swear on a stack of bibles that he vetoed stem cell research on moral grounds; and while he is again claiming that -- through some unfortunate misinterpretation of a biblical passage he has never actually read -- his god wouldn't want to protect people for "those" reasons; he somehow forgot "what Jesus would do" when he vetoed a bill that would have stopped him from killing any more innocent people in his never-ending war for oil. Within The MORONARCHY, pure greed still trumps human need, and as always, gay bashin' is in fashion!
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Sunday, April 22, 2007, 01:25 PM - Jay O-Three
Look, If I start telling the truth now, it might set a dangerous precedent
WARSHINGTON, DC - The TORTURER -- Attorney General and titular head of The Department Formerly Known as Justice -- appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee this week after canceling a family vacation and spending two full weeks practicing telling the truth to a mock Senate panel. Apparently, what he really did was sneak off to the paradise his memos created, Abu Ghraib, for a little electro-shock memory-wipe. Even with the said fourteen full days focused on nothing but the politically motivated firing of eight US Attorneys, he still had to say, "I do not recall," nearly fifty times before lunch. The usually slimy, dissembling, deceptive MORONARCHY mouthpiece truly outdid himself this time. While whipping violently back and forth between, "I was out of the loop," and, "I take full responsibility," The TORTURER was unable to explain why he chose to lie about the firings when telling the truth would have exonerated him completely. Not surprisingly, as soon as The TORTURER got off the hot seat, The MORONARCHY weighed in stating that President MORON was "thrilled" with the performance. This rather strange reaction goes a long way to explain why The MORONARCHY is in such shambles: gross incompetence is still the coin of the realm.
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KURT VONNEGUT, JR.
Thursday, April 12, 2007, 11:46 AM - Jay O-Three
So it goes
NEW YORK, NY - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. died yesterday at 84 as a result of brain injuries sustained in a fall several weeks ago.
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Tuesday, March 27, 2007, 05:02 PM - Jay O-Three
It's only funny when it happens to a Democrat like Elizabeth Edwards
WARSHINGTON, DC - MORONARCHY Spokes-liar Tony SnowJob was diagnosed with recurring colon cancer, which has now spread to his abdomen and liver. As shock-waves rippled throughout the city his deputy Dana Perino summed it up this way, "It is so unexpected that SnowJob still has colon cancer because he is widely regarded as a perfect asshole."
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MISSED HIM BY THAT MUCH
Wednesday, February 28, 2007, 11:57 PM - Jay O-Three
Sorry about that, Chief!
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - Taliban Agent 86 was unable to effectuate regime change at Number One Observatory Circle (not to mention Number None-of-Your-Business Undisclosed Underground Location Way) when his Maxwell Smart-bomb went off early here yesterday.
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Wednesday, November 8, 2006, 11:36 PM - Jay O-Three
WARSHINGTON, DC - The long national nightmare is coming to an end. There are still two more years of this lying, cheating, stealing, torturing, killing MORONARCHY, but from now on, there will be accountability. Fed up with the corruption, the horribly failed illegal immoral invasion and occupation of Iraq, the greed, the scandal, the bribery, the hypocrisy and the complete distortion of reality, Americans across the country decided enough was enough. The House of Representatives is now in Democratic control. The Senate (as soon as Senator Macaca pulls his head out of his ass) will also be controlled by the human race again. And, as if that weren't enough of a corker, RUMMY cut-and-ran today! It took six loooooooooooooooong years, eight trillion dollars we don't have, and the deaths of six hundred fifty thousand innocent people, but it has finally happened. Since President MORON only gave us two choices and one was raising taxes -- which no one wants -- the message from the ballot box could not have been more clear: America is pro-terra'ist!
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GET OFF YOUR ASS AND VOTE
Tuesday, November 7, 2006, 12:01 AM - Jay O-Three
V O T E
WARSHINGTON, DC - Vote. Only fifty percent of Americans EVER do.
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BANANA REPUBLICANS KNOW YOU'RE STUPID
Sunday, November 5, 2006, 04:03 PM - Jay O-Three
You don't have the guts to vote!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As the election draws near, Banana Republicans know you are too stupid to notice what they have been doing. You are going to forget that they utterly failed to protect the American people from terrorists on Nine-One-One; that they used that failure as a false pretense to begin revoking your civil rights; that they invaded and occupied two countries and caused the deaths of hundreds of thousands of innocent people; that they are in fact losing both wars simultaneously because they have no idea what they are doing; that they have raised taxes on every American by borrowing eight trillion dollars to give away to their cronies in no-bid contracts; that they endorse torture as a "Family Value"; that they have wasted hundreds of billions of dollars on false security while doing absolutely nothing to provide any real security; that they were unable to rescue the people New Orleans from a rain storm; that they tolerate such a high level of corruption that even after pleading guilty, they allow Rubber Stampresentatives to continue serving; that they have done absolutely nothing for the American people in the legislature; and that their desire to hold on to power is so overwhelming that they would rather cover up a case of child molestation than lose a committee chair. You are going to forget because they will distract you once again with stupid fabricated issues like illegal immigration, flag burning and gay marriage. And of course, you are going to forget because they have called anyone who questions their policies a traitor, a cut-and-runner and a coward. You are going to forget because they are going to pretend terrorists are lurking everywhere and the only appropriate reaction is to cower in fear. And while you aren't looking, and while you are forgetting to vote, they are going to steal another election right out from under you, and you are going to do nothing. Perhaps the Banana Republicans are right...
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Thursday, August 10, 2006, 09:34 AM - Jay O-Three
We're takin' yer liquids, but we're still servin' baloney!
GREEN BAY, WI - President MORON landed here today, taking precious time off from his ten day vacation (anyone else notice Rome is burning?), to let us know that another imaginary terra'ist plot has been foiled in London. Yesterday, The DICK said, "Voting for Ed Lamont is the same as voting for terra'ists which is just intolerable." Just as Iraqi, Palestinian, and Lebanese votes against totalitarian ultraconservatism were countermanded by veto or assassination, the people of Connecticut are being punished for rejecting Joe "Kiss Me, President MORON" Lieberman (didn't The Banana Republicans themselves call him "Sore Loserman?"). So, for the first time since the last election cycle (figure the odds!), our threat level has been elevated. Somehow, terra'ists are able to smuggle "liquid explosives" in their carry-on luggage, but they are unable to place them in their checked baggage (stupid terra'ists!). Make no mistake, there was no plot in London. There is no threat to the US other than The MORONARCHY itself.
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