Monday, September 1, 2008, 11:13 AM - Jay O-Three
The Banana Republican Undercard: One Under Investigation, One Convicted of Driving Under the Influence, and One Under-Age and Pregnant
SAINT PAUL - Thanks to Hurricane Gustav, Banana Republicans have dodged a bullet. They don't have to trot out President MORON and The DICK for the usual hate and lie sessions. And, YAWN MCLAME will not have to try and lay off the meds long enough to make a televised speech. But, some things simply can not be overlooked. While Sarah PALE-IN-COMPARISON is out thumping her bible, screaming about her christian beliefs, and crowing about how abstinence only sex education is so effective; her own unmarried seventeen year old daughter, Bristol, is five months pregnant.
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EMPTY SUIT MAKES EMPTY CHOICE
Saturday, August 30, 2008, 04:19 PM - Jay O-Three
Cynicism or dementia?
WASHINGTON, PA (That's Right, Pennsylvania, not DC) - The clearly intoxicated Empty Suit, YAWN MCLAME, appeared at a rally here today to introduce his running mate, Governor of Alaska for a whole eighteen months, Sara PLAIN. PLAIN, 1984 runner-up to Miss Alaska, wants creationism taught in schools. She wants to take away a woman's right to choose. She is married to someone who will actually be drilling in the ANWR. She loves war. She loves corporations. She hates middle-class Americans. She is personally under investigation by the Alaskan State Legislature for firing someone who would not punish the ex-husband of her sister (yes, even with all those Banana Republicans out there, they couldn't find one who was not under investigation).
YAWN MCLAME (far from the original Maverick, and actually just a very very old gelding) pulled the stunt of selecting "A Woman" for his running mate solely for political reasons. Any woman who is not insulted by this move is simply not paying attention. There is no evidence that this self described hockey-mom has any business working in WARSHINGTON. And yet, they are neck and neck in the polls. It is sad to think that Americans are again going to fall for another empty suit whose only distinction is that he is not the black guy.
If the fix were not already in, and the outcome of this election were not already known, this would seem like a joke in very bad taste.
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WHOLE LOTTA FUDGE BROWNIES, U.S. HAS THE RUNS
Thursday, June 26, 2008, 10:34 PM - HSRE Brain
When I scratch real hard, I can check for dandruff and get new ideas like drillin’ for more oil!
WARSHINGTON, DC - Although most people have become used to experiencing the annual increase in the cost of living and its associated nausea and watery bowel movements, the episode is more an inconvenience than an illness for those beneficiaries of President MORON’s taxcutsfortherich. Symptoms commonly disappear in a short time and the only important effect is that equity and liquids are temporarily lost from the Dubai timeshare. However, for most Amerkins it may last for weeks or months (or in this case years) accompanied by fever, abdominal cramps, high blood pressure, unemployment, divorce, foreclosure, and denial of basic health care - a clear indication of a more serious form of sickness. This change from the usual pattern of stools and real wage income loss is now recognized as economic diarrhea, although many less "formal" names are sometimes used. Experts argue over the underlying causes of the affliction, but recent developments appear to shed some light on its sources.
With energy company profits at an all time high, one may have discounted the sphincterhold of the POOP (Petrochemical Ownership Of President) on the MORONARCHY. Not to worry. The POOP backed-up Iraqi government is now in the final stages of negotiations for private, no-bid oil production contracts with … surprise!… Shell, BP, Exxon Mobil and Total. When questioned about the many pre- and post-occupation assurances that Iraq oil production was going to pay for the trillion dollars (and counting) of U.S. taxpayer debt for the neverendingwaronterra, the MORONARCHY did not disappoint. "Iraq is a sovereign country, and it can make decisions based on how it feels that it wants to move forward in its development of its oil resources," said White House spokeswoman Dana (IpromiseIwon’twriteabookabouttheadministrationslies) Perino.
In a completely unrelated story, President MORON blamed Democrats for high prices at the gas pump and demanded an end to the ban on offshore oil drilling, increased access to oil shale on public lands, ANWR exploitation and more backyard refineries. “I call on swift action by Congress to support my common sensical plan for Amerker’s energy hitch, the Vacuous Acquisition of Leasin’ and Drillin’ Energy Zones. If congressional leaders leave for the Fourth of July recess without takin’ action on my VALDEZ solution, they will need to ‘splain why ya gotta pay ninety dollars to fill up the Chevy 4x4.”
Coincidentally, almost 20 years and 50 billion dollars in legal fees later, the Supreme Court yesterday awarded Exxon’s systematic failure to comply with state and federal environmental disaster safeguards, and lying to Congress about it, by slashing the trial jury’s penal award for the 1989 Valdez oil spill by 90 per cent. The Court wrote that Exxon's recklessness was, in effect, ''profitless'' and therefore the punitive damages awarded to the victims of the spill were, uh, too punitive. Apparently anything that would impede less than a 1000 percent return on investment for energy stockholders is clearly unacceptable and will not be tolerated. So pass the Kaopectate and let the offshore/ANWR drilling begin!
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SHIT PISS FUCK CUNT COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER TITS
Monday, June 23, 2008, 11:44 PM - Jay O-Three
Tonight's Forecast: Dark
LOS ANGELES - SHIT PISS FUCK CUNT COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER TITS.
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LESS THAN ONE YEAR!
Monday, January 21, 2008, 11:03 PM - Jay O-ThreeFinally down to the last year of lying, cheating, stealing, torturing and killing!
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WORLD WAR FUCKING THREE?
Monday, October 22, 2007, 10:08 PM - Jay O-Three
If my voice isn't shrill enough, I can keep ratcheting up! I want this, and I will say absolutely anything to git you to let me bomb Iran!
WARSHINGTON, DC - President MORON, not satisfied with the innocent blood he has already shed, has started the same ridiculous drumbeat that brought us such gems as, "We don't want the smokin' gun to be a mushroom cloud." This time, his imaginary boogeyman is Iran! When Americans balked at starting another war of choice because they didn't believe the profit margin on oil really needed to be any higher, The MORONARCHY stepped it up a notch. By the Banana Republican way of thinking, you should thank your lucky stars you are only required to pay more for oil! Outrageous profits for oil companies are a small price to pay to avoid World War Fucking Three. Even though Turd Blossom has slithered away, his spirit lives on. When you need a diversion from greed and corruption as vast as The MORONARCHY's, nothing beats a good scare. Fear-mongering is a way of life in CRAWFISH. Duck and cover, boys!
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TURD BLOSSOM FLUSHED, SNOWJOB MELTED, TORTURER WATERBOARDED, BETRAY-US HOLDING HIS THIRTY PIECES OF SILVER AND PRESIDENT MORON STILL LOSING A WAR TO A DEAD GUY
Monday, September 24, 2007, 10:19 PM - Jay O-Three
Where'd everybody go? I still have more lies to tell!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As The MORONARCHY begins to slip beneath the waves, President MORON still can't figure out how to shoot his way to peace in Iraq. The rats are leaving the sinking ship, and only The DICK remains steadfast. Full steam ahead, boys!
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Monday, July 2, 2007, 10:15 PM - Jay O-Three
The DICK told me: Even when I smile I have to keep my mouth shut!
WARSHINGTON, DC - Well, there is absolutely no limit to the HUBRIS of The MORONARCHY. Today, after repeatedly promising that anyone involved in the illegal disclosure of the identity of a covert Central Intelligence Agency operative would be "brought to justice," instead, President MORON commuted the sentence of the one and only person convicted of five counts of Grand Jury Perjury and Obstruction of Justice in that very disclosure. The inconsistency (which they dismissed with the now familiar, "The MORONARCHY is Above the Law" doctrine) was deemed necessary because it was the only way to keep Scooooooooooter from spilling his guts about The DICK's other high crimes and misdemeanors. But, nonetheless, the fact is now incontrovertible: The MORONARCHY has aided and abetted an Act of High Treason During Wartime. So, while we Americans celebrate our Independence Day this week, we might be well advised to look into the significance of France's Independence Day -- what they like to call "Bastille Day" -- which they celebrate on July 14. Perhaps it is no longer a foreign entity which oppresses us.
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FAREWELL, FALWELL, STRAIGHT TO HELL!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007, 01:09 PM - Jay O-Three
Division and disharmony, the true measure of any man of the cloth
LYNCHBURG, VA - A self-serving war-loving women-hating homophobic money-grubbing fear-mongering christianity-perverting bible-thumping bigot has breathed his last here today. Beginning in 1979 with the political movement he founded, the Moral Majority (which was neither), he spread his doctrine of sanctimonious intolerance to the masses of credulous Banana Republicans for decades. Purporting to have read the bible -- though obviously skipping the parts about not killing, and not judging others -- he asserted that the god portrayed in there was not one of generosity and forgiveness, but rather one of infinite anger and vengeful retribution. Inasmuch as he despised Muslims, and stated that he would like to, "blow them all away in the name of the lord," he rejoiced in President MORON's decision to start an illegal, immoral religious war against innocent people whose only sin was living in a petroleum rich region (how dare they!). After asserting that the hijackers of nine-one-one were backed by the ACLU and sent to punish gays and lesbians in New York; and that Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans because of the women's health clinics there; the hulking hypocrite has finally received a just punishment for the life he himself led. He was found face down, unconscious and unresponsive in a puddle of his own sick. Apparently, that god of his must have become pretty fed up because verily, he did smite him but good!
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Saturday, May 5, 2007, 01:10 PM - Jay O-Three
I claim Fifth Amendment protection against enacting a hate crime law I myself intend to violate
WARSHINGTON, DC - President MORON, fresh from vetoing funding for his "beloved" troops serving in the illegal immoral occupation of the foreign sovereign nation of Iraq, has threatened to veto what would only be the third bill druing his entire MORONARCHY. This one has to do with extending Federal Hate-Crime protection to people based on their sexual orientation or gender. So, while President MORON can swear on a stack of bibles that he vetoed stem cell research on moral grounds; and while he is again claiming that -- through some unfortunate misinterpretation of a biblical passage he has never actually read -- his god wouldn't want to protect people for "those" reasons; he somehow forgot "what Jesus would do" when he vetoed a bill that would have stopped him from killing any more innocent people in his never-ending war for oil. Within The MORONARCHY, pure greed still trumps human need, and as always, gay bashin' is in fashion!
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